How to Navigate Your Husband’s Resistance to Change

The marital journey is all about partnership and shared purpose. For the Christian couple, this journey is further elevated by the pursuit of a common goal: to become more like Christ. We are called to “be transformed by the renewing of [our] mind” (Romans 12:2 NIV).

This transformation isn’t necessarily linear, nor is there a set finished line to completion. Growing in faith is a continuous process of shedding our old selves. That process isn’t beautiful. Remember, the caterpillar turns to mush before becoming who he is meant to be.

But what happens when this process of transformation and growth becomes out of sync with our spouse? What happens when one spouse runs toward change at full speed while the other stands still, or slams the brakes? This is not an uncommon situation. Navigating it requires a deep well of patience, grace, and reliance on God to take the lead.

Feelings of frustration, loneliness, or even disappointment are all totally normal, as are annoyance and anger. You may find yourself reading scripture, praying, and enthusiastically seeking Christian community, only to come home to a spouse who seems not to care. The temptation may be to prod and push, but that approach doesn’t always work out the way you want it to, even with the best of intentions.

Leaning into that temptation can create resentment and is more likely to push your spouse away. The Bible warns us how we should interact with others for the most desirable outcome.Proverbs 15:1 NIV says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Examine Your Heart First

The first step in helping others is often to look inward first. Before we attempt to “fix” our spouse, we should examine our hearts.

Paul told the church and its leaders, “Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?” (1 Corinthians 3:1-3 NIV).

That passage has a clear message for me: to embrace anything in life, one must be ready.

Being a Living Sermon

Instead of demanding change, we should strive to become a living sermon. Let me explain – our lives, more than our words, have the power to show what a relationship with God is all about. Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV) gives advice how to do that, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

I think when others, especially our spouses, see the peace that fills you in times of stress, the grace you extend when they falter, and the joy you have in your relationship with Christ, they see the light of Jesus more clearly than through just words alone.

God’s Timing

Patience is a virtue often tested in this process. God’s timeline often doesn’t match our own.

2 Peter 3:9 (NIV) says, “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentance.”

With the scripture from 2 Peter in mind, if God is patient with all of us, should we not extend that same patience to the person we have vowed to love and cherish? This doesn’t mean we must accept destructive behavior or a lack of spiritual growth, but it does suggest releasing our spouse into God’s hands. Pray for them, yes, but also release the need to control the outcome.

Your prayers for their heart to be softened and their eyes to be opened are more potent than any lecture you could give, and won’t drive the wedge that nagging or badgering can create between you.

Remembering the Grace God Extends to Us

Grace, God’s undeserved favor, should always be at the forefront of our minds. We should strive to extend that same level of grace to others, starting with our spouse.

“For it is by grace [we] have been saved, through faith—and this not from [ourselves], it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV). This same grace that saved us must be the grace we extend to our spouse. It is a grace that forgives their shortcomings, overlooks their spiritual immaturity, and loves them in their “as is” state.

This kind of love mirrors Christ’s love for us and is an instruction on how to treat our spouse. We are called to love in a way that is not contingent on perfection, since perfection is unattainable for humanity.

You Aren’t Alone

Finally, remember that you are not alone on this journey. Seek support from a trusted pastor, a mentor, or a Christian counselor. Find a community of believers who can support you, pray for and with you, and offer a listening ear.

While you are called to love and support your spouse, you also need to ensure your spiritual cup is being filled. Lean into your relationship with Christ, and trust that He will give you the strength, the patience, and the wisdom to navigate your path.

Transformation Takes Time

Transformation isn’t a race to the finish line; it’s a shared journey. It often happens at different paces, and it is essential to remember that that’s okay. When your spouse isn’t ready to change, your role is not to be a judge but a beacon. Be a beacon of Christ’s love, a testament to His grace, and a living example of what a transformed life looks like.

Trust that God, who began a good work in you, is also at work in your spouse’s life, and that He is faithful to complete it in His perfect timing. As Paul writes in Philippians 1:6 (NIV), “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” This promise is for both of you.