How to Love Your Middle School Boy

To my middle school boy, LOVE is…
Basketball
Nike shoes
A cool hat
A new hoodie
Hours spent gaming
Freshly baked cookies
Fast food (and lots of it)
Sleepovers with friends
An extra hour of TV on Saturday night
Ice cream in the freezer
Whatever his friends own, we won’t let him have

Today, I poured out my love for him by…
Helping him with Math
Driving him around
Spending 2 hours at the gym so he could play basketball with his friends
Making a healthy dinner
Washing his favorite hoodie
Laughing at his jokes
Reminding him to do his chores
Setting limits and saying no
Making him walk the dog. Twice.
Praying for him
Hugging him goodnight (as he squirmed away from me)

We don’t always speak the same language,
my middle school boy and I.
Sometimes, he gets what he wants
and feels loved,
Sometimes, he gets loved
instead of what he wants.
Oftentimes, he wishes for a different mom,
One who would love him more—or less—than I do.

My boy is not yet old enough to realize
that real love thinks long-term…

It chooses the eternal over the temporary.
It chooses health over happiness.
It chooses wisdom over being liked.
It chooses God’s ways over the world’s.
It chooses growth over popularity.
It chooses to make the hard decisions
even when they are misunderstood.

Oh, how I love this boy!
Maybe one day, he will grasp just how much.

I wrote this poem a few years ago after a rough day with one of my boys. I must have whispered to myself a million times that day, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,” as I attempted to keep my composure and love him well (James 1:19). It helped, but eventually my patience wore out, and I made sure he knew it.

My darling, stubborn middle school boy explained to my husband that evening, “Mom and I quarreled, but then we worked it out.” I’m not sure that explanation fully captures the extent of our exchange or emotions, but that’s okay (he got bonus points for using a vocabulary word!). And that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day ended with teary eyes, hugs, and I love you, and that’s all that really mattered. We both came out better on the other side.

Parenting is hard, y’all. Hard!!!

But these battles for our teens’ hearts are so worth it! Nothing else we do in life matters more than this.

Whatever battle you are facing with your teens, whether it’s anxiety, laziness, pride, drugs, anger, depression, identity issues, lying, or something else, let me encourage you—do not give up!

Do not quit fighting for them. They need you to love them, even when they don’t know how to receive it. They need you to set boundaries, even when they struggle against them with every ounce of their being. They need you to fight through your pride and hurt feelings and love them anyway. And more than anything else, they need you to keep pointing them to Jesus.

It is our calling as parents to be steadfast in showing God’s love to our teens, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in [them] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Paul describes love this way in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 11-13 (TLB):

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him…

It’s like this: when I was a child, I spoke, thought, and reasoned as a child does. But when I became a man, my thoughts grew far beyond those of my childhood, and now I have put away the childish things. In the same way, we can see and understand only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror, but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, face-to-face. Now, all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees in my heart right now.

There are three things that remain—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

We will get it wrong half the time, and that’s okay. Just don’t give up. Keep loving them. That’s what we’re trying to do in our home, however imperfectly: trusting the One who loves them most to fill in the gaps with His grace.

Prayer:

Lord, You are the author of love, and Your steadfast love endures forever. Please grant me wisdom to see my teen through Your eyes and love them the way You do. When I lack the strength, patience, and perspective to love them well, please love them through me as only You can. Help me point them to You, Jesus, in everything I say and do. Thank You for loving me even when I get it wrong. For I ask all this in Your mighty name, Jesus, Amen.