How to Approach Conflict With Your Teenager

When people think of the teenage years, they often equate them with rebellion: The daughter whose clothes are too skimpy and tight, slamming her bedroom door and sneaking out at night. The son whose grades are tanking, who comes home drunk on Friday nights, who yells at his dad and spends hours upon hours playing violent video games in the basement. Let’s be honest—there are stereotypes for a reason.

But most of the teens I know are good kids. Their grades are decent, they speak respectfully to adults, they follow the family rules (mostly), and every once in a while, they even help their parents around the house. So, maybe they have to be asked multiple times to empty the dishwasher or take out the trash. No one’s perfect, right?

Regardless of which version of teen lives in your home, every family experiences conflict. There will be times when your teen is disrespectful or makes a terrible decision, simply because they are human. Messing up is part of growing up! It is our job as parents to confront these situations, help them navigate them and learn from their mistakes, and provide boundaries and guidance to help them become who the Lord created them to be.

Unfortunately, there will also be times when conflict with our teenagers is produced by our own poor attitudes, selfish actions, or triggered emotions. This, too, is part of being human (and requires an apology from us).

Whatever the cause of the altercation, as the adults in the room, it is our responsibility to deal with the situation as healthily as possible. Thankfully, the Bible contains helpful instructions for how we are to approach conflict with anyone—including our teenagers—in a way that both models and honors Christ.

In Colossians 3, Paul warns his readers that coexisting with other believers will always have its challenges. He points out that the natural inclinations of our hearts will eventually cause disharmony in every relationship, reminding us of the importance of “putting to death” our earthly nature and the behaviors that come with it. He then walks us through a step-by-step process of getting along with the people around us.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

Let’s break this down into how we can approach conflict with our teenagers.

1. Get dressed for battle (v. 12).

In verses 5-8, Paul has a whole list of negative traits we need to rid ourselves of, such as rage, anger, lust, slander, lying, greed, and filthy language. He then advises us to “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” The language here is active, meaning it requires intentional action on our part.

Satan wants nothing more than to destroy our families and cause dissension. To “get dressed for battle” (with the enemy, not our teens), we must purposefully take off our old ways of interacting and put on our new self, which Christ is transforming in His likeness (v. 9-10).

In practical terms, this means we need to hit the pause button and calm down. If something has triggered us, we need to be mature enough to step away and work out our own issues rather than deflecting them onto our teen. We have to intentionally put on an attitude of humility, gentleness, compassion, and patience before we begin the conversation. Paul is not saying it will be easy; only that it must be intentional.

2. Bear with each other (v. 13).

Stepping away from our anger and putting on our new battle clothes will enable us to bear with each other as we work through the conflict. The Greek word for “bear with” (anechomai) means to endure something unpleasant or difficult. Paul recognizes that dealing with conflict, especially with teenagers who lack maturity, will likely be frustrating and exasperating. How we handle it matters!

James wisely advises us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (1:19). If we allow ourselves to react in anger or self-righteousness, we will not only contribute to the problem but also risk damaging the relationship and setting a bad example. However, if we adjust our expectations beforehand, we can prepare ourselves to approach the conversation patiently, ready to listen and respond with humility and forbearance.

3. Forgive freely with no strings attached (v. 13).

Anyone who has a teenager will tell you that their words can be extremely hurtful. And sometimes they make choices that may damage both property and reputation. We might want to forgive our children because we love them, but sometimes that is easier said than done. I believe this is why Paul points out that we must forgive as the Lord forgave us. Not because we deserve it, not because we earned it, but simply because He loves us and has the authority to do so.

Teenagers are often harder on themselves than they realize. They carry shame around like ankle weights, hidden out of sight but always present. Our forgiveness can free them to accept the Lord’s forgiveness, enabling them to learn from their mistakes and move forward in grace.

4. Seek harmony, not submission.

Many of us grew up arguing with our parents, only to be given the final answer, “Because I said so!” After raising four teenagers, I admit those words have come out of my own mouth more than once!

Parents have the wisdom that comes with age and experience. We know better than our teens what is best for them. And we have the God-given authority to set consequences and boundaries to help shape their character.

However, Paul offers us great wisdom by advising us to seek “perfect unity,” or harmony, in our relationships rather than mere submission. Yes, we can force our teens to do what we say. But if our goal is heart transformation, we will be more successful by listening carefully, seeking to understand their motives, and seeking a path forward together.

5. Put on love.

“Over all these virtues, put on love.” Paul knew that none of this would be possible without love. Just as the Lord loves us unconditionally, so He requires us to love our teens in the same manner.

It is His love that enables us to overcome our triggers, fears, and natural reactions. It is His love that fills us with compassion and patience, enabling us to bear with our teens and forgive them freely. It is His love that binds us together in harmony with our teens, so that we can walk beside them through conflict and help them grow in holiness.

Without His love, conflict ends badly. But with His love, these situations can transform our teens into young men and women who love Jesus and walk in His ways.