3 Ways to Help Your Kids Fight Against Not Feeling Good Enough

I sat down at the table of tween-aged girls, preparing to lead them in Bible study. Eager faces leaned in as I asked question after question, surveying their hearts for honesty. “Circle yes or no, depending on what you feel,” I instructed.

“I feel ok about myself, my grades or my appearance until I look at what my friends look like or what my friend has and then I feel sad.” Yes or No?

“I know that God loves me, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like it when it seems like others have it easier or better than I do.” Yes or No?

“I feel like my life would be better if only I had better grades, more friends, a better body, or if I made a certain team.” Yes or No?

Each time, almost every single girl acknowledged that these statements represent their current feelings. And, if we are honest as parents, we can relate, can’t we? So, how do we help our children fight against these feelings while we, too, struggle to feel enough?

Address the lie: I am not good enough.

Before we address our children’s behavior, let’s address our thinking. Why do so many of us not feel good enough? Why do we feel like what we have isn’t enough? This feeling is usually more than an occasional thought and more of an actual lie that we permanently invite to cuddle up in the living rooms of our minds.

While a variety of reasons exist, one answer originates from a mentality that our worth is solely dependent upon our performance rather than on our internal value as a creation of the Almighty God. Perhaps we have felt the unspoken expectations placed upon us by society, social media, or even our own parents.

In addition, the lie that our life would be better if only we had more tracks all the way back to the Garden of Eden and arguably earlier, when Lucifer didn’t want to be like God; he wanted to be God. We can relate to Eve’s desire for the fruit, which she was explicitly told not to eat, because it seemed logically good despite proving spiritually destructive. This lie forms our broken world that, when addressed, invites us to trust our wise Provider.

Lastly, perhaps another reason we struggle to feel enough is that we are using the wrong unit of measurement. For example, if I wanted to measure how much juice is in a glass, would I use a ruler? No, of course not. I would use a measuring cup because it’s a liquid. Yet, this is exactly how it is when we measure what gifts and talents we have been given by looking at what our friend has been given, rather than what God has given us. This method of comparison will never leave us satisfied.

Define the standard: How good is good enough?

After we address our mindset and help our children identify the lie that tends to overshadow the gifts God has given each of them, we are able to change the standard. If the bar continues to be “good enough”, then we must be able to define it. If in Math class, your child feels like they are never going to be good enough, does that mean they don’t feel like they will make an A or that they will never make 100 and end up with a PhD in Mathematics?

We need to help our children define the standard they are using for themselves. Often, that begins with us. Our expectations of our children always communicate, explicitly or covertly, what defines their worth. They will see what we value with our time and our money and assess what is enough based on our actions rather than our words.

As parents, then, what standard are we using for enough in our home? Communicating what that looks like behaviorally, academically, or athletically will go a long way toward helping our children feel that our love for them is not dependent upon their performance. Our Heavenly Father reminds us that “no one is righteous, no, not one” in Romans 3:10.

Let’s make sure that as we parent with a Christ-centered definition of enough, we reiterate that they are accepted, worthy, and valued no matter what grades they achieve or team they make. Salvation is a gift, not an earned right. In fact, they don’t even have to worry about not being enough because none of us are enough without a God who helps fill in the gaps.

Cling to the Truth: God is enough.

One of the best gifts we could ever give our children is to remind them that God has chosen to give each child specific gifts to use for His purposes. Everything you and I have is from God, regardless of our performance. That is such great news that sometimes we may even take it for granted and forget to pass down this important truth to our children.

Yet, we grow discontented, tempted to believe that if only we had more money or a better marriage, we could parent better. Perhaps if we lived in a better house, we wouldn’t struggle with parenting the way we do. Our children believe the same thing in different ways.

Ephesians 1:3 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world.” What a beautiful reminder that God chose what He deemed wise to give us before the foundation of the world, and because He gave us Himself, we have everything we need.

So, we can help our children stop comparing what they have been given with what their friends have been given. By the grace of God, we can all start embracing what God has given each of us uniquely to be used for God’s glory and the good of others.

James 1:17 reiterates that God is all we need because He is the source of all we need. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.” As we help our children embrace the unique gifts God has chosen to give them, we recognize our source as enough.

What makes us good at anything is not what we accomplish through our good grades, what team we make, or what lifestyle we live, but what Jesus has done for us. He is enough even when we aren’t.

As we seek to transform our children’s hearts, my prayer is that ours too will be impacted to address the lie that we are not enough to parent them through each season. We are all works in progress, so live in the freedom that with God, we have all we need for a meaningful life.