How to Support Your Husband Without Trying to Fix Him

Watching our spouse suffer can be a painful experience. We want to take away the problem and fix everything. It can be tempting to minimize their suffering, to try to manage it ourselves, and even to attempt to control the outcome. Sometimes we can try to take God’s place in their struggles or act as their Holy Spirit. As wives, we must remember that God’s grace is sufficient for our husbands. He may use us to help our husbands in their trial, but the pressure of being the solution does not rest on us. That responsibility belongs to God.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) reminds us of God’s words about suffering: “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Our husband may need to be weak for God to work in him and build him up. If we jump in to fix things before our husband has a chance to suffer, we may be stealing his opportunity to grow in the Lord and to see God’s grace in His life.

Don’t Minimize

When someone we love is hurting, it can be tempting to tell them, “Everything will be fine.” Especially if the problem isn’t affecting us, we can tend to downplay the struggle. As wives, we wouldn’t want our spouse to tell us that something “isn’t a big deal” or that we were “overreacting,” so we shouldn’t do this to our husbands. Instead, we should listen to their problems, be curious and ask questions, and understand how they feel about it. When we can see the issue through their eyes, we will be better prepared to support them.

Don’t Manage

Women are often born managers. We like to multi-task, coordinate, plan, and fix! These traits are beneficial in many seasons but can make our husbands feel like children if we try too hard to manage their problems. For example, if your husband is having difficulty at his job, it would hurt his pride if we spoke to his boss or coworkers, or if we began researching and reciting information to him about his issues. While our desire to help and fix the issues may be born of love and a desire to ease suffering, we must remember that suffering is necessary for growth. Our attempts to manage the situation and fix it quickly could be stripping our husband of an opportunity for growth. Too much advice can be discouraging to our spouse and make him feel like a failure when we seem to have all the answers or when we think our ideas would lead to a faster resolution. We need to trust God to speak to our husbands and to work in their hearts and minds, directing them.

Don’t Control

Our husbands are designed to be leaders and providers. As wives, we must trust this role even when we think we can correct a problem. We must not make major decisions or take actions that we think will solve our spouse’s problems without their knowledge or permission. By doing this, we are acting in God’s place, and we could be stealing an opportunity for our husbands’ faith to grow when they see God helping them in their struggle. Rather than taking the initiative, we can ask what our husband needs or if we could be helpful in any specific way. This way, we are helping with His guidance and leadership, and we are building him up as capable even while providing support that can lead to a solution.

Do Pray

It can be frustrating to be idle while someone is struggling. We can be active in prayer. Praying for our spouse, writing out prayers, praying scripture over them, and praying with them are tangible ways to support our spouse without overstepping our bounds. Prayer will also bring us peace and wisdom in the situation.

“I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people,” (1 Timothy 2:1 ESV).

Do Encourage

Positive words of affirmation can be a huge source of support for our husbands in their struggles. We can write down scriptures to put in his lunch or car. We can praise what he is doing well. We can happily allow him time with friends or mentors who will bless him in his hard times.

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad,” (Proverbs 12:25 ESV).

Do Counsel

Unsolicited advice at a time when our spouse simply wants to tell their troubles may cause friction. However, giving Biblical wisdom is always acceptable when done in love. Stick to suggesting Biblical principles and truth, rather than specific actions you think would fix the problem. Focus on what he should believe about God and himself, rather than what he should do. This will tell him you are on his side and trust God to help him, rather than yourself.

Remember that you are not your husband’s savior, even though the desire to save those we love from suffering is natural and good. Remember that just as God has promised to be enough for you in your trials, He is enough for your husband. The verse does not say that My grace, combined with your wife, is sufficient for you. Be the helper God made you to be, and your husband will be blessed.